Tuesday, January 24, 2012

My Relationship with 7-11 and How It's Destroying My Life

Oh, 7-11.

We have a love affair that can't be put into words.

Going to get a Slurpee in the summer growing up was a rare, rare treat. Your services in providing caffeine in so many different vessels through so many different liquids throughout my college years and the trips back and forth across campus both alone and with friends are memories and debts that I can never put a value on beyond 'priceless.'

But after graduating and moving on to the "adult" and "real" world, I thought our young, impetuous fling of fun and convenience had run its course. But, every time I went to Seattle to visit friends, go out for beers, go to Mariners and Sounders games, and stayed out past two or had a long drive or long ferry ride home or needed to sober up for an hour or two, you were always there. In fact, you still are. There are at least 8 of you, always open, never judging me all within a 10-mile radius of Seattle. And so it continues.s campus at all times of day and night with friends was and is an indelible debt and memory for which I will always be eternally grateful.

But again, such a relationship doesn't run deep; I use you and you use me. You're on that side of the water; I'm on this side of the water. Our rendezvous in Seattle are random and they don't last long. There's no commitment and no guilt; we have an understanding.

But then you...you...you bitch! You had to go and open TWO new locations within two miles of my home and work. You used our past that I thought was special but with no strings attached and you used what you know about me against me! You know I'm a procrastinator. You know that I stay up late and get up early. You know that I don't like making coffee in the morning despite it's simplicity and financial savings. You know I never grocery shop more than 1-2 days in advance so I hardly ever have breakfast or lunch ready for the day. You took our special connection and you have made me into your despondent whore. I may have been your whore before, but it was cheap and inconsequential, or so I thought. And now it's...come to this.

It's 3am, again, and I'm getting up 4 hours early to go in to work to finish some things, but I need coffee and caffeine and food for later in the day. No espresso stands are open this early. The 24-hour Safeway is no longer open 24 hours but now opens at 6am.

As a way of hating myself even more and publicly revealing how you've ruined my life and as a way of avoiding going to work yet and having to see you one minute sooner than I have to, below are my...my sins.

1 Month Tally:

Sadly, these are all separate trips, and this only reflects debit card records from a single month; there were at least several occasions where I used cash.

The evidence is damning - I'm left with no defense.


Joe said...

The maple pancake sausage roller is 7-11's gift to mankind.

Also, it is difficult to avoid the grasping tentacles of 7-11's menacingly-terrible-for-you roller-based foods and selection of delicious hot and cold beverages.

They price their items JUST cheaply enough that you don't feel terrible buying them at the moment, and JUST expensive enough that you feel slightly guilty every time you buy them.

Ben said...

I knew I had a problem when the girl started cooking the breakfast rolls at 4am since I came in at 5am disappointed when there were no hot breakfast items on a regular basis.

Joe said...

Recognition from employees of any fast food or convenience store restaurant is always a bad sign.