Monday, August 15, 2011

Me and the Captain

A while back (months ago, actually) I received an email in which my assistance was requested on a very important task. I liked the letter so much, that I saved it so I could write about it later. Recently, cleaning out the files on my computer (I cleared over 30 gigabytes of space!), I came across the letter. So, here we go.  The letter is in italics. Non-italicized green notes are my own commentary.


Hello Friend, (you'll notice the very personal greeting)

I am Captain Davidson Mchugh with the United Nations troop in Afghanistan, on war against terrorism. Based on the United States legislative and executive decision that we must evacuate Iraq immediately for Afghanistan, Now we are in Afghanistan military base and I will be redeployed to Europe soonest, come this year September 2010, Our mission is to help beef up terrorist targeted states, mostly the United States and the European Union on the war against terrorism. On the other hand, I want to inform you that I have in my possession the sum of 16.2 million USD, which I got from Iraq. This is no stolen money and there are no dangers involved.
- Apparently one can make the rank of Captain in the UN with only a tenuous grasp on grammar. No surprise there: the UN has likely employed sanctions against poor grammar, but that's as far as they're willing to go at this point in time. 
<--- Captain Mchugh, from her Facebook page, getting some R&R with a guy who is probably in her United Nations troop.
- Strangely, a search for Capt. Two-Last-Names yielded only a copy of his personal letter to me (I don't know how someone else got it), and a girl in Britain's Facebook page. I was disturbed by my own sexism, assuming that Captain Davidson Mchugh was a man. Admit it, you thought Capt. Mchugh was a man as well. Also, because the first "H" in "Mchugh" is not capitalized, I have to assume this is NOT (as I at first assumed!) a Scottish name. It is clearly pronounced "M'chuggah" rather than "Mac-Hugh". 
 -It's my lucky day! Capt. Mchugh needs my help with16.2 MILLION dollars, AND (and this is especially exciting) the war in Iraq is over! There was apparently a "legislative and  executive decision" to evacuate Iraq and move everyone to Afghanistan!
- Oh good, the money is not stolen and there are no dangers in me helping the good Cap'n.

SOURCE OF MONEY:
Some money in various currencies was discovered and concealed in barrels with piles of weapons and ammunition at a location near one of Saddam Hussein's old Presidential Palaces during a rescue operation and it was agreed by all party present that the money be shared amongst us.
 Oh... not stolen... just looted. Totally different.
Click this link http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/2988455.stm
Strangely, the article he cites claims that it was "US troops" rather than "UN troops" who found the money. Pssssh. Typical British news screw-up.
I deposited this money with a Red Cross Agent informing them that we are making contact for the real owner of the money and it is under my power to approve whoever comes forth for the money.
So... Capt. Mchugh lied to the Red Cross. Classy.

I want to invest part of the money as soon as I am redeployed out of this country for a good business, anyway you will advice me on that since I am not a businessperson. I cannot move this money by my self because I will be in Europe for about 3years with big officials, so I need someone I could trust. If you accept, I will transfer the money to you as the beneficiary because I am a uniformed person and I cannot be parading with such an amount of money so I need to present someone as the beneficiary.
Investing! Wise! Especially investing in good business, I HATE it when people say, "Oh hey can I borrow some money to invest in bad business?" Those big officials in Europe are so nosy. You can trust me, Cap'n.

I am an American and an intelligence officer for that so I have a 100% authentic means of transferring the money through diplomatic courier service .I just need your acceptance and all is done.
 I had a few doubts about Capt. Mchugh at first, but the fact that she is an American AND an intelligence officer puts me at ease. Also good to know that Capt. Mchugh has a 100% authentic means of transferring the money. I've been burned before by couriers who are less than 100% authentic.
Please if you are interested in the transaction, I will give you the complete details you need to carry out this transaction successfully. Where we are now we can only communicate through our military communication facilities that are secured so nobody can monitor our emails, then I can explain in details to you. I will only reach you through email, because our calls might be monitored, I just have to be sure whom I am dealing with.
Naturally, naturally. Caution first. My Gmail account is totally secure. Why is there an ad for courier services on my sidebar?

If you are interested, please send me your personal mobile number so I can call you for further inquiries when I am out of our military network. I am writing from a fresh email account so if you are not interested do not reply to this email and please delete this message, if no response after 3days I will then search for someone else.
I'm glad that the Captain took security precautions like signing up for a fresh Yahoo! Mail account before emailing me. It's good to know that in "military networks" phones are monitored, but not internet use. 3 days?!??!???! Opportunity missed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

I wait to hearing from you as soon as possible. I will give to you 30% of the sum and 70% is for me if every thing goes well.
I wait for your urgent response.
Regards,
Capt. Davidson Mchugh.
If I had responded within 3 days, I would have $4.86 million. I guess I can only hope that this type of once-in-a-lifetime opportunity comes again. I should check my Spam folder...

1 comment:

Ben said...

If only my students always wrote so well.