Friday, August 8, 2014

The Literary Acquirements of Joe's Trip to the Wrecking Yard, Part 2

Mostly deformed index fingers.
Glancing through the Sounds Systems and Electronics supplements to the 1985 Oldsmobile Ninety Eight owner's manual offered a glimpse into what luxury car buyers wanted (or, at least, what Oldsmobile THOUGHT luxury car buyers wanted) in their cars in 1985.

The onboard calculator looked pretty nifty.
The 1980's were a time of rapid growth in the electronics (and particularly the portable electronics) industry, so it only makes sense car manufacturers would want to get some of those sweet, sweet electronics into the dashboards of their cars. The manual showcases several different types of sound systems, including those featuring dual cassette decks, CB radios, and programmable AM/FM. The manual was even kind enough to show those with deformed hands how to operate their systems.

The sales brochure was perhaps the most interesting piece of the '85 Olds Ninety Eight trifecta of documents. Featuring a full-color spread of information and photos, the obvious theme was "luxury, but ALSO high tech!" The piece de resistance of the brochure is a full-color centerfold of the car, complete with a man who could either be YOU, or perhaps your butler/driver.
Probably much sexier before the pages were creased.

Next to the centerfold, a glimpse of the luxurious interior, with plush seats that were sure to please any bottom.
Them's bottom-pleasing cushions right there.
 The pamphlet summarizes that there is a "special feel in an Oldsmobile". Having owned an Oldsmobile of similar vintage, I can verify that this is true. It is a feeling luxury, but luxury that is somehow only surface-deep. Still, it was a "luxury" that I did enjoy.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

The Literary Acquirements of Joe's Trip to the Wrecking Yard, Part 1

Today after work I took a trip to the local Pick-n-Pull "do it yourself" car wrecking yard to see about acquiring some luxury sedan seats for as-yet undetermined purposes. I always enjoy looking through the old cars, wondering what kind of "life" they lived prior to their ultimate fate of being picked to pieces and then crushed into metal cubes.

This will do nicely to hold the documents in my 1988 Ford Festiva.
My search for seats was fruitless, as most of the leather ones were cracked and most of the cloth ones were stained. The two or three seats that DID look very good were unfortunately in cars which smelled as if they'd been in the yard a bit too long and feral cats had discovered how comfortable a 1982 Cadillac Eldorado seat can be.

However, the trip was not altogether fruitless, as I discovered and purchased a few bits of interest. One of these was a mint-condition padded-leather owner's manual cover from a 1990 Cadillac Deville.

I also picked up an original owner's manual, sound system and electronics supplement, and original brochure to a 1985 Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight, as I am very interested in cars from this era (within and just after what automotive journalist Murilee Martin refers to as the "malaise era" for American car manufacturers, 1973-1983).
Original owner's manual and supplement from 1985 Oldsmobile Ninety Eight Regency

In Part 2 of this posting (coming tomorrow), I'll have more pictures and details on some of the contents of the "Sound Systems and Electronics" owner's manual supplement, as well as pictures and commentary on the blast from the past that is the 1985 Oldsmobile sales brochure.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

WalFart.com

Fun fact: typing in "walfart.com" in your web browser address bar will take you to walmart.com.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Truck Balls (and why they're stupid)

Here's a trend that perplexes me entirely: putting "balls" on your truck. Like so:

Now, while this is a useful identifier of people that I will never want to have anything to do with, it really doesn't even make sense if you think it through.

They are 3 possible interpretations of truck balls:
1) Your truck has YOUR balls. This is not very flattering to the truck's driver. "But Joe," you say, "What if the driver is a female and the truck actually IS her balls?" To this, I would say, "I have never seen a female driving a truck with balls. Q.E.D."
2) Your truck has balls, but no penis. This hardly seems complimentary to your truck.
3) Your truck IS the penis, in which case (given the size ratio of the truck to the balls), your truck suffers from hypogonadism (i.e. tiny testicles). Ouch. Also not very complimentary to your truck.

In summary... uh..... I don't understand truck balls.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Try it. You can't.

New neighbor: Knock, knock, hey honey can I borrow one egg? 
Me: I don't have any eggs, sorry [truth]

But really, it is impossible to "borrow" an egg anyways, unless you just wanted to hold it for a few seconds or something. 
In which case you're a weirdo and I don't want it back. 

So... yeah... it's impossible to borrow an egg.
Pictured: borrowed egg.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Wal-Mart BB and Airsoft Guns, and a Helpful Employee

So I'm standing in the Wal-Mart sporting goods section, staring blankly at the bb and airsoft guns. A Wal-Mart employee, "Steven", approaches. He looks like he's probably in his early 30's, with a goatee.

STEVEN: Hi, can I help you with anything?

ME: Yes, I was looking to get a BB pistol.
STEVEN: Oh, well this one right here is our best-selling pistol. *points to an airsoft pistol*
ME: No, I need a BB pistol, not an airsoft one. I want it to look real, none of that orange-tip crap.
STEVEN: ;*laughs* Oh, OK, man. Well, this one looks pretty badass. *points to a revolver/Magnum-style BB pistol*
ME: Yeah, but it's kinda big. I need something a little more easily-concealable.
STEVEN: *laughs again, but less hard* OK, well this one is pretty small *points to a smaller BB pistol*
ME: Yeah, that looks good. Does it shoot both BBs AND pellets? I need it to shoot pellets, something that can really hurt someone.
STEVEN: *raises an eyebrow, gives me a "What the hell?!?" look*
ME: *looking shocked* Oh, oh no man I don't mean, like, KILL anybody or anything, just something that will seriously maim.
STEVEN: *seamlessly shifts from concerned look to thinking look. He strokes his goatee* Well... this one here is the only pistol I have that shoots both BBs and pellets... but it's spring-action, only 240 feet per second, that probably won't even break skin... would you like me to see what I can order for you?
ME: No, that's OK. Thanks for your help!
STEVEN: No problem! You let me know if you have any questions about anything else. *Steven walks away*





Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Cat Treadmills

What if every cat in the world over the age of 1 and under the age of 6 spent 1 hour every day 

running on a cat treadmill? How much energy could we generate? 5 million of the world's 11 

million cats, for 1 hour, every day. It doesn't even need to be a consecutive 60 minutes. Just 

60, total, within every 24 hours. Think of the jobs we will create in the cat treadmill production 

industry! Think of the health benefits for cats in danger of obesity and cat heart conditions. 

Why didn't Obama make this part of his energy speech today? The ideas and the science are 

sound. This is a failure of leadership. #CatTreadmills


Just look at the science! Running+Cat=Energy