Saturday, March 22, 2014

WalFart.com

Fun fact: typing in "walfart.com" in your web browser address bar will take you to walmart.com.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Truck Balls (and why they're stupid)

Here's a trend that perplexes me entirely: putting "balls" on your truck. Like so:

Now, while this is a useful identifier of people that I will never want to have anything to do with, it really doesn't even make sense if you think it through.

They are 3 possible interpretations of truck balls:
1) Your truck has YOUR balls. This is not very flattering to the truck's driver. "But Joe," you say, "What if the driver is a female and the truck actually IS her balls?" To this, I would say, "I have never seen a female driving a truck with balls. Q.E.D."
2) Your truck has balls, but no penis. This hardly seems complimentary to your truck.
3) Your truck IS the penis, in which case (given the size ratio of the truck to the balls), your truck suffers from hypogonadism (i.e. tiny testicles). Ouch. Also not very complimentary to your truck.

In summary... uh..... I don't understand truck balls.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Try it. You can't.

New neighbor: Knock, knock, hey honey can I borrow one egg? 
Me: I don't have any eggs, sorry [truth]

But really, it is impossible to "borrow" an egg anyways, unless you just wanted to hold it for a few seconds or something. 
In which case you're a weirdo and I don't want it back. 

So... yeah... it's impossible to borrow an egg.
Pictured: borrowed egg.

Monday, November 11, 2013

Wal-Mart BB and Airsoft Guns, and a Helpful Employee

So I'm standing in the Wal-Mart sporting goods section, staring blankly at the bb and airsoft guns. A Wal-Mart employee, "Steven", approaches. He looks like he's probably in his early 30's, with a goatee.

STEVEN: Hi, can I help you with anything?

ME: Yes, I was looking to get a BB pistol.
STEVEN: Oh, well this one right here is our best-selling pistol. *points to an airsoft pistol*
ME: No, I need a BB pistol, not an airsoft one. I want it to look real, none of that orange-tip crap.
STEVEN: ;*laughs* Oh, OK, man. Well, this one looks pretty badass. *points to a revolver/Magnum-style BB pistol*
ME: Yeah, but it's kinda big. I need something a little more easily-concealable.
STEVEN: *laughs again, but less hard* OK, well this one is pretty small *points to a smaller BB pistol*
ME: Yeah, that looks good. Does it shoot both BBs AND pellets? I need it to shoot pellets, something that can really hurt someone.
STEVEN: *raises an eyebrow, gives me a "What the hell?!?" look*
ME: *looking shocked* Oh, oh no man I don't mean, like, KILL anybody or anything, just something that will seriously maim.
STEVEN: *seamlessly shifts from concerned look to thinking look. He strokes his goatee* Well... this one here is the only pistol I have that shoots both BBs and pellets... but it's spring-action, only 240 feet per second, that probably won't even break skin... would you like me to see what I can order for you?
ME: No, that's OK. Thanks for your help!
STEVEN: No problem! You let me know if you have any questions about anything else. *Steven walks away*





Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Cat Treadmills

What if every cat in the world over the age of 1 and under the age of 6 spent 1 hour every day 

running on a cat treadmill? How much energy could we generate? 5 million of the world's 11 

million cats, for 1 hour, every day. It doesn't even need to be a consecutive 60 minutes. Just 

60, total, within every 24 hours. Think of the jobs we will create in the cat treadmill production 

industry! Think of the health benefits for cats in danger of obesity and cat heart conditions. 

Why didn't Obama make this part of his energy speech today? The ideas and the science are 

sound. This is a failure of leadership. #CatTreadmills


Just look at the science! Running+Cat=Energy

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Arrested Development season 4 episode 1: "Flight of the Phoenix"

The rise of the phoenix, or the fall of an empire?

I don't know. I've only seen the first two episodes so far. It seems wrong to judge this season's individual episodes, especially considering just how many holes are present in episodes 1-2 and the fact that the season was designed as a single anthology for viewers to piece together in a larger entity. But I am impatient, bored, and so many of the best "Arrested" ideas come from single episodes that I'm going to run through a few points from the "premiere" anyway (Buster, GOB, the train, Tiny Town, the jetpack, the mole, the Japanese investors, the surrogate - all from a single episode!)

Highlights:
-Ron Howard
-Kristen Wiig as young Lucille
- Cinco de Cuatro and everything about this holiday
-Michael sending George Michael off to college in the staircar with a banner
-Michael having had a year of law school before George Michael was born with an minor emphasis on maritime law
-Every image and joke associated with maritime law and "You're a Crook Captain Hook!" especially Lucille being referred to as a "seaward/c-word matriarch"
-GOB living in the abandoned model home with someone...
-GOB and forgetmenows
-The LA reporter, John Beard
-The wee-Britain BBC2 O.C. reporter
-The "Michael B." company
-Buster losing his jewels
-Michael and George Michael's relationship and communication issues
-Michael's absolute hatred of George Michael's new Asian roommate "T-Hound"
-George Michael doing his best Jesse Eisenberg-as-Zuckerberg impression
-The mysteries: just a few like, Who is doing what during that Cinco de Cuatro celebration? Why does Michael go back at the end of season 3? Why does Lucille turn the Queen Mary around at the end of season 3? Why do we see George Sr. go into GOB's drugstore after GOB? What is the camera crew doing on campus around George Michael and Michael? What does Michael do in Phoenix? What is the real status of George Michael and Maeby's relationship?
-The mural Michael passes in the Phoenix airport
-The discussion about tipping African Americans

Lowlights:
-Seth Rogan
-The timeline details don't quite seem to make sense, yet
-I'm kind of tired of money and the Bluth company's issues driving everything
-Lucille's legal status is...unclear
-The watermark joke about piracy isn't very clear or well-done
-Michael hitting rock bottom with Lucille 2 isn't as "rock bottom" as I would hope to see

And...it's back. We get more Bluths. I think I'm going to have a hard time fighting my own brain today and tomorrow with the rest of the "season" because one part of my brain wants everything to be so smart and fast and subtle and fit together as perfectly as seasons 1-3, but the other part also recognizes just how batshit crazy seasons 1-3 were, so reason and logic need not be barriers to quality, especially when viewing cumulatively. So, for example, when in episode 2 it seems as if George Sr.'s lemonade-seminar-sweatlodge-RV living-Oscar abusing-Roger Sterling drugtripping-hippieChloeGailTheSnailing operation in the desert apparently lasts a full year, I want to know what the hell is everyone else doing for a year that George is just off on his own, and if this year is between 2006-2007 or 2012-2013...But then it just overwhelms me that I'm not far enough in or appreciating this all enough, so I stop and write this all to help see and say that more "Arrested" is a dream come true and by the end of episode 15 I will see the new episodes as a brilliant exercise in comedy and pop culture. I hope.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Navajo Star Wars!

So, it looks like Star Wars is being dubbed in Navajo:

http://www.reuters.com/article/2013/05/02/entertainment-us-usa-arizona-starwars-idUSBRE94101P20130502?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews

So many questions! Will Luke give that classic guttural Navajo "Noooooo!!" when Darth Vader says he is his father? Will Darth Vader go, "Gawwwwwww, the force is STRONG with this one!"

Ha! Of course not. They're dubbing it in Navajo, not in English.

Will they go with the emotions expressed in the movie or will Princess Leia have all the sopping-wet-sponge-enthusiasm of a Bashas grocery clerk in her voice?

Only time will tell, I guess!